This is going to be tough on PHP, because it doesn't really have a good persistent runtime implementation. You can't really do something like allocate a 500k variable in the $_SESSION array. For PHP to compete, it's going to need an in-memory object store that maps to PHP objects. Heck, they'll also need olap services for mysql. So, maybe it won't happen for PHP... but then, maybe it won't happen for olap for average people for a while, either. (Check out Integrated Data Mining and OLAP for MySQL)
Tomorrow: relaxation tapes to chill out and not freak out so much. Day after: probably hit the code and finish up the failsave OLE client.